Alli and I were watching The Big Bang Theory last week and a preview for that godawful Twilight saga knockoff vampire movie came on. Almost simultaneously, Alli and I asked, “John C. Reilly, what are you even doing?”
It got us thinking. There are some seriously strange choices being made in Hollywood by good (well, at least formerly decent) actors. So I thought I would write a little post devoted to them…hopefully to call them out onto the carpet.
John C. Reilly
You earned an Oscar nomination for your work in Chicago. You’ve garnered more than one Independent Spirit nomination. You starred in Scorsese flicks, including The Aviator and Gangs of New York.
Then came Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.
After that, you became convinced that you were Will Ferrell’s best friend, shacking up with him for a myriad of stinkers, including one of the worst movies I’ve ever subjected myself to in my life: Walk Hard. Here’s a tip for you, John: next to your godawful timing, Will Ferrell looks like a comedic genius. That’s why he keeps putting you in his movies…you make him look funnier.
I’m not saying you can’t make people laugh, but let’s try something serious every once in a while. You were great in Magnolia and Boogie Nights. Maybe call Paul Thomas Anderson up and ask him what he’s got cooking…
The Rock
I’m guessing you have a development deal with Disney.
That’s cool. You do what you gotta do to pay the bills. But even folks who cash in every once in a while on big budget box office hits will occasionally throw in something that stretches you as an actor.
Look, I understand that it has to be difficult to feign interest as you star in kid movie after kid movie, but could you at least throw in Rundown 2 for me? God knows that Seann William Scott could use the work.
I really enjoy you as an actor. You’re charming and engaging and you’ve got great delivery and timing despite the fact that you cut your teeth as a pro wrestler. That being said, please stop trying to re-brand yourself as “Dwayne Johnson”. It’s obviously not helping your career since your last 5 movies are as follows: The Tooth Fairy, Planet 51, Race to Witch Mountain, Get Smart and The Game Plan. Your next flick, The Other Guys, by Adam McKay, looks promising.
But if it sucks, the people are going to take back their claim on your elbow.
Eddie Murphy
Norbit. Dr. Dolittle. Daddy Day Care. The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Meet Dave. Imagine That. These movies aren’t even worth linking. You do know that the release of Norbit easily knocked you out of the running for your Oscar win for Dreamgirls, right? Because it seems like you don’t realize it.
You are a part of one of the most successful animated franchises in history and your character is probably the most beloved out of the bunch. But don’t be like Donkey. Don’t be stubborn. Make some better choices. You have it in you. We just haven’t seen it in a while.
Cuba Gooding, Jr.
You won an Oscar. You starred in Snow Dogs and Boat Trip. POOF!
There went your career. NEXT.
Renee Zellweger
When not buoyed by good writing, be it from Cameron Crowe or Helen Fielding, or your singing voice, people can’t help but notice your annoyingly scrunchy face. And I wouldn’t mention it if your acting was not slipping either, but these days, it seems like you are just playing the same person over and over and over again in one bad romantic comedy after another.
Nicholas Cage
submitted by Wrytir
Pretty sad when a former Oscar winner has to lean on his Dan Brown-like National Treasure series to keep his career afloat. I know that not getting the Superman reboot was a big blow to Nic, but did you have to respond by going and making that one with the flaming skulls? Outside of one or two big wins, your careers seems like an experiment in crap. I know that you’re trying to burst out of the shadow of the extremely talented Coppola family, but did you have to stray this far?
Now, I am well aware that there is only one female on this list. It’s either that there are very few bad roles for females in Hollywood or that movies are dominated by bad male roles. I don’t know. I’m sure you’ll tell me in the comments. So who would you like to write a letter to asking them: What are you even doing?