Shane Life

Inspired by this article I got off of digg, I thought it would be a fun exercise to list the things that I think would improve all the shows that I watch on a weekly basis.

As the spring TV season comes to a close, there’s a lot of excitement because season finales are coming up (will the bomb actually go off on Heroes? who is going to die on Lost? the list of questions is endless…) and there’s a lot of speculation as to what will happen.

I love TV. Probably more than I should, but I do. There are some great shows out there that we watch and here are my suggestions to improving some of them:

LOST

Since Lost came back this season, I’ve been loving it. The show is still compelling, but it has its flaws. Here is what I’d do to make it better:

• Simplify. The show has gotten too sprawling. My favorite episodes of the season are the ones that return to the original core characters (Sayid, Jack, Kate, Locke, Sawyer). The Paulo/Nikki aberration this season was just weird. They guest-starred and then died/were buried alive. Juliet is plain evil, but we’ve had enough of her back story. If you’re going to give me the back story of anyone, make it the creepy scientist guy who just showed up on the island last week. I’d like to know what he’s all about. Which brings me to…
• Answer some questions. This is something that has always been a knock against Lost, and with good reason. So many things have happened that should probably be explained. First off…where the heck are they and what is this nonsense about Oceanic 815 being found at the bottom of the ocean? I don’t buy that for a second. I imagine that it is a part of some vast Dharma conspiracy. Creator Damon Lindelof has said numerous times that the castaways are not in purgatory. So WHERE ARE THEY? And who is the Dharma Initiative?
• Kill Charlie. Desmond predicted that Charlie would die. He should. He adds very little to the storyline, he doesn’t have any skills and his relationship with Claire is just annoying. He needs to go.
• Kate needs to decide – the doctor or the delinquent? Sure, she’s shacking up with Sawyer now, but the overt confusion Kate has over her feelings for the two dudes…it’s tired. It’s not like it matters. Has anyone else noticed that the more the show goes on, the more similar Sawyer and Jack become? Now no one trusts Jack and his past (albeit relatively recent past) is in question. Sound like a certain shaggy-haired criminal? Look, I don’t have feelings one way or the other. I don’t care who Kate chooses, although I think that Kate choosing Jack would make for better TV; her choosing Sawyer makes more sense to their characters (kindred criminal spirits and whatnot). Not only that, but Josh Holloway is a much better brooding actor. I just don’t buy Matthew Fox as an actor sometimes. Last week’s episode was some of Holloway’s best acting so far. It made me actually believe that if Fox were to leave the show, it would be in decent hands with Sawyer. I’m not saying that should happen, but the rumor is that there is a cast-changing event on the finale this year. Who’s to say it wouldn’t be Jack? Yeah right.

The Office

I don’t know if there are as many ways to improve The Office as there are to improve Lost. After last week’s “Women’s Appreciation” episode, I don’t know if there are any. These might be a stretch, but let’s see…

• Make Andy less creepy and more diabolical. When Andy came to the show, he was like a breath of fresh fraternity air. I think that the producers noticed that so they brought him and Karen from the Stamford branch to mix things up for the Dundies in Scranton. Last week’s episode, they put forth that he was in fact, the guy who flashed Phyllis (it was subtle, but watch again…you’ll see it). We know Andy’s crazy, but I didn’t see him as a sexual deviant. Go back to when he’d get all frustrated because Jim put his cell phone in the ceiling tiles…THAT was funny. Be real and leave the real creepiness to the king of it all, Creed “He was just hanging some brain” Bratton. Every time Creed is on screen, I laugh hysterically. He’s so subtle, but such an important part of the show.
• More background Kelly and Ryan. Her dancing in the car to Michael’s ring tone was priceless. Her telling Ryan she wanted to name their baby Suri Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor. Priceless. Ryan (who has just admitted to Jim that he sent an e-mail to Karen asking her out) saying he wouldn’t want to be in an office relationship was too funny. I think that BJ Novak and Mindy Kaling (who are two of the main writers of the show) are hesitant to put themselves on display, but they always make me laugh.
• Get rid of Jan. I think this may be a foregone conclusion after last week, but we’ll see. I don’t know what it is about her that is both funny and annoying. Last week’s episode put it into great perspective. She’s a dude.

How I Met Your Mother

Marshall and Lily and Barney have dominated this season. Rightfully so…they are the best characters. However, Ted is the driving force behind the show and it’s called How I Met Your Mother. I don’t think that the creators of the show (the real-life Ted and Marshall) are going to change their mind from the first season and Ted and Robin will end up together…I just don’t know where this alleged “mother” is going to come from. I think that there are still people who want it to be Robin, but it’s just not possible in my opinion. That leaves the show very open-ended and gives them the ability to figure out the perfect way for Ted to meet the mother. The show is awesome. It is really my new “Friends”. If you aren’t watching it, you should. I don’t really have any other suggestions.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: I just read that for some reason, CBS has How I Met Your Mother “on the bubble”. That is utter ridiculousness, but it’s been quasi-confirmed by Kristin Veitch at E!Online (watch the video after the link). This was more than disheartening news for me…

Dancing with the Stars

• Get rid of Samantha Harris. Worst. Commentator. Ever.
• Make the Results show a half-hour. It is always an hour, which is totally ridiculous. Completely filler. No reason to be an hour.
• Consistent scoring. Last week when Apolo said that he’d like to see more consistent scoring across the board, I applauded him. Billy Ray Cyrus got a pass up until last night because he got good ratings (for God knows why). I couldn’t ever figure out why Len loved him and then was all over Joey and Apolo when they tried to entertain a little.

Entourage

• Make Vince less of a moron. The dude is seriously one of the worst decision makers I’ve ever seen. Perhaps that is on purpose, but it is annoying. Honestly, he is probably the worst character on the show. (Aside: I LOVED Adam Goldberg on Sunday’s episode…Hilarious.)
• Give Turtle something to do. Anything. I actually liked watching him last season try to be a manager. This year, he is Drama’s errand boy. He needs to progress a little as a character.
• More Lloyd. The relationship between Lloyd and Ari is the best part of the show. He’s been gone the last two episodes. BRING BACK LLOYD.

Heroes

This is a tough one because it’s new and I like it a lot, but I still have some opinions.

• Get rid of Nikki/Jessica. Ali Larter is an absolutely AWFUL actress. She shouldn’t be on the show.
• Have something happen to Peter that makes him lose all his powers. This is getting ridiculous. Sylar is likely going to die in the season finale…something should happen to Peter to keep him from gaining everyone’s power because either he will be like the ultimate hero or he’ll just be lame.
• Tell me what Mama Petrelli’s power is. Seriously. It is driving me nuts. I want to know!
• Get rid of Thompson (Eric Roberts). I think he is supposed to be sinister, but he just bugs me.

American Idol

I saved the most popular show on TV for last. Here’s my suggestion:

End the show. I wouldn’t buy the album of any of these fools left. Quit while you are ahead. If you can’t do that, at least replace Randy and Paula with people who speak English. If I have to hear “you worked it out” or “it just didn’t work for me” or “but you know I love you” or “you’re great” one more time, I’m going to puke. REAL CRITICISM, PEOPLE! That’s what you are there for!